I wanna sing the saddest songs as if I would die…
Pre-death pre-burial requiems…
Lethal notes… Morose words and non-words…
I wanna sing the saddest songs as if I would live forever –
Forever in the dungeons of my benevolence.
And then, I wanna cry my soul out as if I’ve lost God…
But first, wish that I still have a soul for I no longer know…
I wanna run in circles within an untamed wilderness
to feel that I am not lost, in circles, running and wanting untamed…
after my tears have equalled the waves of all the world’s seas
including her… her tsunamis of centuries…
I want to find myself at the edge of a snow-capped mountain and never rest
then scream my frozen lungs out after expelling my guts,
scream until I hear only the sound of my recovered voice –
the one that could read and write sadder than almost the saddest poem…
Distorted and soul-starved,…
What did I say?
Straving for my soul,
I don’t ache to feel a little less alive…
Nor do I merely ache…
My madness does not represent a longing for joy.
Madness sways beyond the barbwires of longings.
Thus, not even a longing for death.
(You don’t need to die to be dead).
My loneliness is not soothed by company.
Loneliness is glory!
My burden blinds with the northern lights best in darnkess.
My passions severe the cosmos with their controlled nonexistence…
There is nothing more worse for me and ill
than the brooding mediocrity when I do not sing when I will.
“Almost the Saddest Poem” is a remake of The Saddest Poem. But herein, the context changes somehow but the end-point remains. How can not being able to sing (no matter how you sound or don’t sound as silence can be music) be so sad? P.S. The titles have nothing to do with the levels of sadness in each of them.
I know no love apart from madness,
no love that can’t fear unspeakably and yet, still dare
I know no love without insurmountable woe,
No love that can’t hold exuberant eternity in a blink so mundane…
I know no love that can’t magically take last breaths for ages
just wanting so enthusiastically to be there…
I know no love not selfless;
No love that can’t meet death unshaken…
I know no love without phenomenal outcomes,
no love that actually ends…
I know no love that merely lasts
but love that creates instances of glorious eternity
I know no love that doesn’t hold Heaven.
I know no love that can’t.
* dedicated to my grandfather Pio Espineda
December 4, 1930 – September 11, 2013
and to all who love *
If darkness is so bad…
Why do we close our eyes when we pray…
Why as we become deeper
The further our visuals go away…
Is it not dark when we dream
And envision beyond what our eyes behold –
The sights that render us powerless
Against the worthy stories untold…
If darkness is so bad,
I dare you watch the stars in daylight
I dare you love less the sun…
I dare you keep your kisses to your sight
Don’t close your eyes when you make love
Gaze not at the twilight as it goes
Find no beauty in your favorite scenery
And imagine things without their shadows
If darkness is so bad,
What makes Light redeeming?
What heightens touch, what perfects sound
Why eyes are closed when soulfully singing?
If darkness is so bad,
I dare you, wish upon no shooting star
Pray only for what’s delighting.
Keep sane in continuous joys
Blind to the glory of overcoming.
(Some lines were adapted in “Smile”, a song collaborated with three of the best rap artists in the Philippines. including my husband. This verse was also originally written as lyrics for an unfinished song.)
Slinging in the chambers of an empty mind
The devil smiles when he pries and he soothes with lies
They’re knocking on the cracks of your hollowed heart
Keep your grasp of the Truth, undeceived by dark
Conquer your ennui, perform a true deed
Shut down your judgement, let go of your greed
Be clinging to the good, be overpowering,
Hating on the bad that brings all suffering.
Get ready to battle your devils inside!
Get ready to battle the devils outside!!!
You’re ready to wipe out your devils inside…
You’re ready to wipe out the devil’s outside!
Anger is a gift, only if you overcome it
Miracles are common so believe it and behold it!
Realize all the lies until it’s no surprise
When all your haters have been unmasked before your weary eyes
Don’t be deceived or you won’t retrieve
The spoils of the battle, the fruits of the seed…
You’re given the power because you can control –
You know your greatness so live by your soul!
Don’t be so shallow and burn with your pride
Open yourself and find Jesus inside
Raise up your head and on Heaven’s side
Lay down your armour and shine with your light!
There’s nothing wise in breaking a heart
Just to see how it would recover…
Should it recover…
There’s no reasonable reason for indifference
Just to hide how deeply one feels…
If one awarely feels…
The fear of rejection is what makes mankind
The worst deceivers for themselves…
And it differs from the need of acceptance…
So though there’s something deadly about living fully…
There’s nothing deadlier than every attempt to be unnatural
But to be urged to be unnatural is natural…
Conquer all your deaths,
No matter how rotten you are by the flesh,
your dignified soul will fly…
People will think of you this way-
But you are not a slave of your mold.
The real you is all out and untouchable.
Know that as you wither,
you grow… freed of soul-cage…
So conquer .
(A collaboration with Sherylene Dela Cruz)
As the wind blows, my knees weakened
and found myself in prayer.
The elements cast our heads bowed-
after shrinking’s end
Off to the tunnel of glory
casting away all the fury – Let there be
drought for deep awakening!