*a black heart drowning in euphoria*

Unrequited Love

Foul Way Of Love

(something written some years ago)
Duisburg

Wake up in breathless mourning glory
Cheat and blame the skies
Turn your back on the stunning light before you
Drift off and die.

The devil shows you a tease
So you go on and pry
Pretending it won’t hurt more to stain more
So you build up the gallows of your head with lies

Take the gray off the ashes
And let them burn again-
This is your foul way of love
Will anyone get it right?


Chambers of the Obsolete III

Originally uploaded and copyrighted in xyldrae.deviantart.com

So dark, the shadows in my eyes
So light, the hell within my burden,
That I may never say good night
In the calming presence of moonlight.

So vast, the barren spaces of my woes
So crowded, the only things that hold
That I may never taste more than defeat
In the cruel chambers of the obsolete.


Faceless Ghosts

I’ve grown tired of the faceless
Ghosts of assumptions and masked rejections
I’ve grown tired of the love of the needy
All there to amplify their worthless disregard
The people who love you are the people who are there
Through thick and thin, for better or for worse…


Chambers of the Obsolete – II

Defenses are set
Maneuvers are heavy
But nevertheless, ready
Human nature orchestrates
The way a person waltzes away…

And you can never face it whole
While in preparation for your doom
It’s the coldest place you’ll ever live in…
The Chambers of the Obsolete


Masochistic Mystery

There’s nothing more to me
Than this masochistic mystery
That begs to not end your story
Of just who are we?


Mistaken Angels

Edited lyrics from a Rap Song dedicated to people who talk so highly of love and relationship but would trash up their “loved ones” regardlessly – a combination of parasites and maggots.

Shut yourself up.
Go shoot yourself up.
I’m taking no more…

I’m in the cold
I crash and burn
And I’ve been told
That I can’t turn
In this fast lane
With this cursed brain
So much insane!

I’m crashing,
Solo!
In the background losing halo!
Hating on you pretenders!
Now I’m spitting the truth coz I know –

You were bitching when I was dying
You were mocking when I was grieving
Your offenses are knives all over
They’re stabbing me forever…
Too bad I’ll always remember…

The sun melts
When it touches my tears…
The ocean rages
When it stinks of our fears…
Thunderclouds cheer
The devils up with its roars…
You mistake them for angels
Then you grieve all the more…

That does not sound right
But you make it sound right…

Help me now
Or watch me bow
As you slay me now
I’m praying now
Lord please forgive me…
I never did recover
And I fear this really would never be over!
I’m hating.
I’m shaking.
Devils are lurking
In my black heart
And I can’t prevent
This soul abused,
Accused, confused,
Refused, reduced and aching!
Your existence is so depressing!
My hate is overwhelming!
Anything true eludes me
Smiles and tears alike consume me!
I yearn to stop existing!
Give me that non-existence!
Love tires me just the same…
You can see it in my face –
I’m so tired of this sacrilegious game!

The sun melts
When it touches my tears…
The ocean rages
When it stinks of our fears…
Thunderclouds cheer
The devils up with its roars…
You mistake them for angels
Then you grieve all the more…

That does not sound right
But you make it sound right…


I Know Where You Live

(Co-written by Audrey R. Jacob for a song with the Pissheads)

A million smiles I’ve lost to the world…
Your absence breaks my heart in vain…
You make me feel like strange currents move my skin,
Your touches storm the rain away…

A million kisses would make me breathe easy
I think that words are just so empty…
Sing me a song with such Art in your eyes,
Just live in this moment with me….

Don’t run away…
Let’s make it together…
Don’t run away…
Believe in forever…


Just Aware

My cold heart prevents the flames from total consumption
And I tire just being their battlefield,
And I tire just battling being
Like a ghost to an incipient deceased…

I wish I could pick a rose
Without minding its thorns-
Oh if only I am allowed to bleed…
Together we can paint the town red.

Flames melt my cold heart instead
Like roasted marshmallow
But no mouth would skin its bitterness away…
No system could digest


Passerby

He showed and told me everything,
Everything he owned…
I understood and felt them all,
But now his love I can’t behold…

He heard and saw everything I am,
Almost everything I own…
He understood and felt them all,
Then never wanted more….

Also published in xyldrae.deviantart.com


Awarely Unaware

(Expressing for an anonymous friend)

I have proacted drama involuntarily, or so I say
Because my choices do not make me look good at all;
And Euthanasia disguised as Euphoria lays its stage,
Bringing forth all players in my head, all dressed as fools.
Their dialogues are noises, though one meaning they accord:
My fate is seared. I am not wanted. Please make it change!

…But I can never change her who
Had made me, at every second split,
Aware that I try to breathe
And aware that I’m unaware.


Mortal Convenience

(A collaboration with Rona Fe Almazan)

Noble, as you bestow yourself to me,
Conniving with freedom and so with secrecy.
But there is nothing epic in the plot you reckon
To weave me tangled in the sultry burrows of your being

I’d leave my sentiments, dry up these dreadful illusions
And burn my amusement with bitterness or deceptions
For it all boils down to preferences fit for moral, no, mortal, convenience
All far from the magnitude of scarcely explored greatness.


Daily Subconscience On Exile

Can’t confuse memory to exist in the present.
Can’t confuse spiritual action to be memories.
I am two things joggled by a clown in coma
I live in spite of unseen casualties in both –
The regularly beaten, unbeating heart;
The indefinitely unfavored flavored soul…

Can’t confuse choice with what’s looked at for it,
Truth. Must distinguish aftermath from effects of choice.
I am one thing to a man, a jerk, and the moon,
And love in spite that one thing which is Nothing.
Nothing but every thing I’ve been considered to be not;
Nothing but a thing, considered merely, inconsiderately.

Must not be blind to distinctions.
Must be distinct from the blind.
So I worry not.

This poem and image is also published in xyldrae.deviantart.com.


“Lovely Death” Is His Name

His melancholic spontaneity won’t release me.
There’s more of gloom coming,
I am overwhelmed but this smile hurts my face.
Now he sings like a leprechaun
Brewing MADNESS in his pot of false hope.
Oh why am I here

peeping and weeping

grieving for his real name

While he dances in a humid hell of deceits
It is his home…..

AHA!

He sings it like a DIRGE –

“LOVELY DEATH”

…is his name!


Also published in xyldrae.deviantart.com


Where Mercy Is

I could paint this dullness now
I could paint this horror
This meaninglessness gets deadly by the hour
I wish I do not have to face tomorrow

Strangers’ voices are louder than yours
Their energetic small talks elaborate your silence
And I am not happy about the depth you do not share
And I can not escape to solace

—-
Also published in xyldrae.deviantart.com


Purely From A While Ago

This is purely from a while ago,
When He was smiling still…

His eyes exudes the moon in all its glory

And He caught me a star to burn in my heart,
Aflame yet without fury…

Still, a while ago,
I gazed at Him at times He couldn’t know…

…because He’s looking,
and starting to look not close enough;
unpeeping on my soul that clings on His…
I love Him so!

…not just a while ago….

…and as He goes far, away, far,
All the more He sinks in my heart,
Skin off its dark…

…and I love him so…

…though his smile has ceased a while ago…


Also published in xyldrae.deviantart.com