*a black heart drowning in euphoria*

Heartache

Forensics Of

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I’ve been zoning out from reality
Dreaming of dreams that will never be
Life that time has stolen from me
People who I’ll never meet or meet again…

My soul caught fire when I’ve settled for hell
Disguised as this world
Now no man can save me.

I’ve drank a cup of fire
And I’m vomiting cold blades
I keep losing myself in the gloom of these seven shades
The worst truth is that I have never lived a lie
…and I have never lived
and I can’t wish I never did.
Undrown me so I can breathe!

I can’t wish I never lived
even if Truth be this.
When I’m morose I master my expertise
When I’m a master they think I’m diseased, decreased or deceased.
Where then shall I maintain my honesty
If it has no place in every society?
Forensics of a poet’s tragedy

Physics of the bullets of agony
That missed my brains and bludgeoned my heart without touching it…
Gun ballistics and fluid dynamics
When the scenes are so serene
But the past is a redout.

Blackout!

How many times, without dying, did I really end my Life? Did I?
How many crimes of mediocrity have unmade me?
How many dead stars extracted my wishes from my memories?
How many vultures have been staring at me for all eternity
While I lay petrified watching corpses rise as zombies

How deep, severe, have I been severed,
immersed in the wailing of sunshine..
Why was sunshine wailing?
Though I feel like a dancing skeleton with flappy hollow wings
I’m not the ghost that’s pointing at me.

I keep doing the forensics of my own tragedy
When I dream of dreams that will never be
And ache for the Life that probably eludes me…
Until I can see the people who are still really there.
Then,
Like a moon at daytime hiding behind a burst of clouds
I zone back to reality
And see what I can make of me.


Did You Know About Anchors?

(First Unfinished Draft and Middle Part)

Beautiful Souls

From a journey through layers from the ocean floor
We’ve smiled at its species, as we lovingly drawn close to their open doors…

Oh how man would give up his breaths,
To say hello to a clown in anemones…
And no matter how relentlessly expiring,
Life holds eternity in moments like these…

When I rose above the ocean water,
You were walking, satisfied, towards the shore.. .
My vision was still filtered and blurry
Yet I was magnificently seeing more…

Rain drizzled down enchantingly
On the calm and waveless sea…
It was bright and dim and dark all at the same time
In a moment of Life most sublime…

And as water kissed water
The sun couldn’t help but provide
A unique spotlight for every unique drop
And made the glow in your soul even more bright…
Suddenly, diamonds were dancing afloat,
Surrounding our humble family boat…
Their sparks froze such serene Settings in fleeting eternity
But the focus remained on the man Still walking slowly ahead of me…

Did you know,
That I see through your eyes and from my own?
It is a gift of gifts within me…
That you have sown and grown…


Of Time…

toddlers58

Sometimes,
good intentions without understanding result to worse things.
Sometimes,
it’s better to not understand beings and simply respect feelings.

Ripples of thoughts
of wonders and sorrows
severe his mind gracefully
at the wrong time….

All in non-extremes
beg for attention
when the only Freedom starts with Detention…
Isolation
Seemingly Zombiefication
– A Liberation they know nothing of.

Pink and Green
Images of woe
Images of Joy
Disprove Slumber

-THE DEATH WAS REAL!

It was a nightmare that came before sleep
It was a dream that happened because he awakened…

But now he must awaken again….

There is a pool of woe in the Southeast,
and fish in the cold air up North to the West…
He knows no other waters but woe.

Time stops in this climax of suffering.

The LIFE was real…

Sometimes,
he gets swallowed up in a time machine…
and knows just about too many things…
Sometimes…
he only thought of time…

He cries to sleep,
wakes up the same,
blood flowing through his veins
and outside of them.

Splashes of blood
on this mundane floor
drown him gently
in sweet Sunday gloom.


Foul Way Of Love

(something written some years ago)
Duisburg

Wake up in breathless mourning glory
Cheat and blame the skies
Turn your back on the stunning light before you
Drift off and die.

The devil shows you a tease
So you go on and pry
Pretending it won’t hurt more to stain more
So you build up the gallows of your head with lies

Take the gray off the ashes
And let them burn again-
This is your foul way of love
Will anyone get it right?


If Ever Again…

me

Everything is at stake for my soul, and I’d be drawing closer to Hell’s entrapment
and would burn graver enough to give Hell a good name before I reach it,
should I suffer the same horrors over and over again
aside from each one’s aftereffects.
Hell would be stripped off of its place in extremity
and the pain and madness within me shall overthrow it.


How Do You Take A Death?

How do you take a death,
When the weight of its pain
Brings you to your knees
And stabs you repeatedly
As you bleed through most sorrowful tears?

How do you take a death,
When its cold bludgeons you frozen
Makes you crawl to nowhere
In all your disbelief
When you try to justify Life’s loss…

…and find out there’s no Justice…
For an angel born in a new home, Heaven…

Do you question the Lord,
Do you blame Him for the choice of the cause
The mistakes, the circumstances,
The manner of death,
The suffering much less than you now have to endure?

Know there is justice….
For an angel born in a new home, Heaven…

Do not question the Lord…
If not to get answers.
You can not take a death…
Unless it is yours…

And you can live in honor
Of all the good your lost love have done alive
And you can live in respect
To all the wishes of our beloved departed…
Accepting an angel is born
In a better home we call Heaven…


Chambers of the Obsolete III

Originally uploaded and copyrighted in xyldrae.deviantart.com

So dark, the shadows in my eyes
So light, the hell within my burden,
That I may never say good night
In the calming presence of moonlight.

So vast, the barren spaces of my woes
So crowded, the only things that hold
That I may never taste more than defeat
In the cruel chambers of the obsolete.


Chambers of the Obsolete – II

Defenses are set
Maneuvers are heavy
But nevertheless, ready
Human nature orchestrates
The way a person waltzes away…

And you can never face it whole
While in preparation for your doom
It’s the coldest place you’ll ever live in…
The Chambers of the Obsolete


Back Off. Back Up. Back Out.

(Image inspired by the song “Wild Child” by Lonesome Minstrel.)

Where you so alienated with too much familiarity?
It’s too easy to choose to stay away and be safe,
Kill the flame
Live the dream you have mastered
Void yourself…

Back off.

Where you so merely overwhelmed with too much serendipity?
It’s the hardest to decide not to spare a chance,
Burst the flame
Emblazon in the perfect hell where you’ve made yourself at home…
Unbuild yourself…

Back up.

Where you so right with all you knew?
It’s too impossible to go on happily and feel clean,
Water the fire
Perfect the self-righteous freedom entrapment
Deprive yourself…

Back out.


Masochistic Mystery

There’s nothing more to me
Than this masochistic mystery
That begs to not end your story
Of just who are we?


Life and Calamities

(In memory of all the people, dead or alive, affected by the flash floods and landslides caused by the Typhoon Sendong.)

NPPA image linked from http://ph.news.yahoo.com

A tender little doll freshly drowned in mud
In the shaking arms of her weeping father…
On Christmas season when she was aged three or four…
She was one corpse of a thousand others more…

A multitude of suddenly homeless mouths to nourish
Who aren’t sure YET, if they’d be thankful to have survived…
Still out in their heads searching for loved ones and strangers
Still praying they’re still alive…

These are a glint of the wrath of a flash flood
That had more than a city abused and wiped out.
Life turns off when calamities turn on
But the Lord has told us how we could be saved…

When thousands of people had their breaths expire
Millions come together to relieve what they’ve left behind
Millions more continue calling out…
Out of their way… into their lives…

These are the heroes of heroes
Who had to be victims that heroes need save
Life goes on when calamities go off
But the Lord is watchful on how we behave…

—-

Donations

From the Philippine Red Cross website:

SMS

Text REDAMOUNT to 2899 (Globe) or 4143 (Smart)

G-Cash

Text DONATEAMOUNT4-digit M-PINREDCROSS to 2882

You can donate the following denominations:
Globe: 5, 25, 100, 300, 500 or 1000
Smart: 10, 25, 50, 100, 300, 500 or 1000

or go to: http://www.redcross.org.ph/donate
for more info and options

For overseas Filipinos, you can donate thru the Philippine National Red Cross’ website: http://www.redcross.org.ph/donate

—-

SOME VIDEOS FOR THE 2011 SENDONG TYPHOON:


Mistaken Angels

Edited lyrics from a Rap Song dedicated to people who talk so highly of love and relationship but would trash up their “loved ones” regardlessly – a combination of parasites and maggots.

Shut yourself up.
Go shoot yourself up.
I’m taking no more…

I’m in the cold
I crash and burn
And I’ve been told
That I can’t turn
In this fast lane
With this cursed brain
So much insane!

I’m crashing,
Solo!
In the background losing halo!
Hating on you pretenders!
Now I’m spitting the truth coz I know –

You were bitching when I was dying
You were mocking when I was grieving
Your offenses are knives all over
They’re stabbing me forever…
Too bad I’ll always remember…

The sun melts
When it touches my tears…
The ocean rages
When it stinks of our fears…
Thunderclouds cheer
The devils up with its roars…
You mistake them for angels
Then you grieve all the more…

That does not sound right
But you make it sound right…

Help me now
Or watch me bow
As you slay me now
I’m praying now
Lord please forgive me…
I never did recover
And I fear this really would never be over!
I’m hating.
I’m shaking.
Devils are lurking
In my black heart
And I can’t prevent
This soul abused,
Accused, confused,
Refused, reduced and aching!
Your existence is so depressing!
My hate is overwhelming!
Anything true eludes me
Smiles and tears alike consume me!
I yearn to stop existing!
Give me that non-existence!
Love tires me just the same…
You can see it in my face –
I’m so tired of this sacrilegious game!

The sun melts
When it touches my tears…
The ocean rages
When it stinks of our fears…
Thunderclouds cheer
The devils up with its roars…
You mistake them for angels
Then you grieve all the more…

That does not sound right
But you make it sound right…


Can Warmth Be Alms

I am strained by this explosive rest
From world and woe but of pure
Celestialness- Inauspicious breathing
When I found I was unwhole before you;
That I, without you, am a flame grand enough
But can not burn nor brighten as I should
And strained by this explosive rest am I
Conditions untoward nurture in one, a pitiful soul
Whose protected coverings plagued with heightened sensations
Swiftly augmenting vastitude in clockwork mentality
Growing awareness to disintegrate control
How does one lose one’s self to another’s existence made known?
Deconstructing ambiguity,
Unnerving, upsetting, detesting it all!
Inauspicious breathing… left unreversed and reserved.
I am strained by this explosive rest.


Just Aware

My cold heart prevents the flames from total consumption
And I tire just being their battlefield,
And I tire just battling being
Like a ghost to an incipient deceased…

I wish I could pick a rose
Without minding its thorns-
Oh if only I am allowed to bleed…
Together we can paint the town red.

Flames melt my cold heart instead
Like roasted marshmallow
But no mouth would skin its bitterness away…
No system could digest


Mortal Convenience

(A collaboration with Rona Fe Almazan)

Noble, as you bestow yourself to me,
Conniving with freedom and so with secrecy.
But there is nothing epic in the plot you reckon
To weave me tangled in the sultry burrows of your being

I’d leave my sentiments, dry up these dreadful illusions
And burn my amusement with bitterness or deceptions
For it all boils down to preferences fit for moral, no, mortal, convenience
All far from the magnitude of scarcely explored greatness.


Let No Beauty Be Barren

I am a like a wilted rose
And burned cocoon
Butterfly trash
And butterfly trashed

Can someone love me?

I was paradise
Until wretched by a cynic’s brood
My rivers are wasted
On burnt forests man tasted

But I welcome new life.

I am a prison of the jewel sunlight
Unlock my doors, steel bars of rude cold
Forged by your indifference
Let no beauty be barren…

Ravage no marvel on God’s handiwork!

I am like the cotton clouds
I merely hang; I want to stride
Mother Earth sings but
The chopped trunk can not dance…

Let no beauty be barren,
Do your carving now.

Strange winds kiss my every cell
Let my vestal flesh be no slave to Age
Fly me away like a feather which
The great eagle no longer needs;
I am its disregard but I shall be
Craft to a needy mage, a believer of Magic

Let no heart be broken.

I am like the pines
Made for sacramental wreaths
God knows who I am…
Christ lives in me.

Let none of His children be broken.


On What Expense

On what expense does a man bare his soul
to a woman he does not intend to keep?
And on what expense does a man keep
a woman he does not intend to bare his soul with?

What does a man tell himself when he realizes on what expense?
And what does a man do to not realize on what expense?

On what expense does a man love
And on what expense does he not?

Also published in xyldrae.deviantart.com. Feel free to change the perspective to male to female.


Daily Subconscience On Exile

Can’t confuse memory to exist in the present.
Can’t confuse spiritual action to be memories.
I am two things joggled by a clown in coma
I live in spite of unseen casualties in both –
The regularly beaten, unbeating heart;
The indefinitely unfavored flavored soul…

Can’t confuse choice with what’s looked at for it,
Truth. Must distinguish aftermath from effects of choice.
I am one thing to a man, a jerk, and the moon,
And love in spite that one thing which is Nothing.
Nothing but every thing I’ve been considered to be not;
Nothing but a thing, considered merely, inconsiderately.

Must not be blind to distinctions.
Must be distinct from the blind.
So I worry not.

This poem and image is also published in xyldrae.deviantart.com.


True Beings

Better beings will come along
And all their assets shall favor the abandoned lover dearly

But this human’s soul is only fulfilled in both
Flaws and geniuses that come together in a single mold (
Not one without the flaws;
Not one without the geniuses;
)To allow give and take
Not only in surfaces worldly…

Humans were never trophies nor ornaments
When God created them
And they did not come to the world as benefactors to each other
But as warriors armed and armored with Light.
So this human’s soul shall only be sustained whole, consummated
By means of pairing, divine, for unearthly battle.

And better beings came and come along,
Some even staying or over-staying…
Acting like demi-gods, offering heavens that don’t exist
And offering the world, not knowing how gross it is…
Simultaneously begging the forlorn heavenly child
To yield what is neither owned or theirs to take…
And Truth had never ever favored any turn
More vicious circles formulate in necessary unbeing


This is also published in xyldrae.deviantart.com


“Lovely Death” Is His Name

His melancholic spontaneity won’t release me.
There’s more of gloom coming,
I am overwhelmed but this smile hurts my face.
Now he sings like a leprechaun
Brewing MADNESS in his pot of false hope.
Oh why am I here

peeping and weeping

grieving for his real name

While he dances in a humid hell of deceits
It is his home…..

AHA!

He sings it like a DIRGE –

“LOVELY DEATH”

…is his name!


Also published in xyldrae.deviantart.com